The Seven Deadly Sins

The concept of the seven deadly sins has been around for a long time--from the 300s on--but it was Pope Gregory the Great who made the list and defined the sins that we recognize today as the seven deadliest. They've even had colors and animals assigned to symbolize them. (In case anyone wants a T-shirt or tie, I guess.) The definitions I'm using for the animals is from various sources online, and most agree they were made up arbitrarily by some guy named George Pencz in the 16th century who did a series of engravings using animals to symbolize the sins. The colors are anyone's guess, although some of them seem almost ingrained within our collective psyche: anger is red, envy/jealousy is green, blah blah blah.

The sins have also had a number of punishments assigned to them. This is the part where I'm going to differ from most of the sources I found online on this topic. I'm going with what rockin' medieval poet, Dante, says. I'm figuring most people don't use the Dante punishments because that would mean they'd have to actually READ "The Divine Comedy" and it's three hefty volumes/parts. But I give his punishments the most credence, and I believe it was Mr. Alighieri who came up with the concept of contrapasso, the punishment fitting the crime, first. Plus he wrote in Latin, and that's the only language I've ever been able to master. (As much as I've been able to "master" any language other than English.)

 

Pride

I'm using pride first, because Dante and everything else I read seem to agree that pride is the worst of the sins because it's the root of all the other sins.

What It Used To Mean:

Placing oneself higher than God

What It Means Now:

Being an arrogant, self-centered, egotistical jackass

Why We Do It:

Everyone's in love with him/herself to a certain extent at certain times. It's when you overdo it that the jackass thing kicks into high gear. Think you're not guilty because you don't even like yourself? To quote my old pal Friedrich Nietzche, "He who despises himself nevertheless esteems himself as a self-despiser." Ha.

Color:

Violet

Animal:

The Horse (oh yeah, you KNOW Mr. Ed thought he was better than the other horses)

Punishment

The prideful are forced to carry a huge weight on their backs--so heavy that they're unable to look up. Pays them back for looking down on everyone else while they were alive.

Envy

Isn't keeping up with the Joneses the American way?

What It Used To Mean:

Sadness at the goodness/good fortune of others. Implies that God doesn't know what He's doing.

What It Means Now:

All the other kids have it, so I want it. Also that annoying entitlement mentality that most slackers have.

Why We Do It:

I blame the media, but unfortunately I think it's human nature.

Color:

Green

Animal:

The Dog. Very appropriate choice, since you know that deep down they totally envy our opposable thumbs.

Punishment

Those guilty of envy have their eyelids wired and stiched shut, which goes back to their bad way of "looking" at others in life. Can't see it, can't want it. Ouch.

Sloth

I just don't have a huge problem with this one, but then again my standard response to "Just do it," is generally "Just shut up."

What It Used To Mean:

Shirking physical labor and spiritual work.

What It Means Now:

Being lazy to the point of annoyance, shiftless to the point of really screwing things up for someone else, and whining in general.

Why We Do It:

It's more fun to lie on the couch than to refinish a floor.

Color:

Light Blue

Animal:

The Goat. This is true; goats love to just lie in the sun and eat crap all day.

Punishment

As one might expect, the punishment for being slothful is activity. In "The Inferno," sloth-masters are forced to run around in packs, really fast, without ever stopping. (Not all that different from going to fat girls' camp; believe me, I know.)

Gluttony

I think the Romans and their vomitariums were really the heyday of gluttony, although if you broaden the definition and just use "excess of any kind," Hollywood in the 20s was IT. The 80s didn't do badly either.

What It Used To Mean:

Consuming more than you need and/or can use.

What It Means Now:

Excess of any kind; addiction.

Why We Do It:

I dunno, human nature again? Escape from reality?

Color:

Orange

Animal:

Pig

Punishment

Okay, I don't totally get this one, but in the 3rd circle of hell the gluttonous are forced to lie in mud while sewage rains down on them. Eeew.

Greed

Also known as covetousness and avarice. Do you work for a large corporation? You're exposed to the worst kind of greed every day. . .

What It Used To Mean:

Hoarding your money.

What It Means Now:

Hoarding your money.

Why We Do It:

We like money, money is power, money talks, money buys more stuff, more stuff means you win, pick one. It's the age of consumerism and an awful lot of people are speaking thinglish.

Color:

Yellow

Animal:

The Frog. They don't even have pockets, how the hell are they going to carry money?

Punishment

In the 4th circle of hell, the avaricious hurl big old boulders at each other, then turn around and do it again, over and over. Personally, I'd make them count a thousand dollars in pennies, carry them to the bank, and then always forget to write their account number on the little tubes so the teller won't take the pennies. They'd have to do THAT over and over again.

Anger

This used to be known as "wrath," and personally I think wrath and anger are two different things.

What It Used To Mean:

You spurn love, including love of God, and choose anger instead. Also implies God doesn't know what He's doing, because you should just accept everything that happens without getting angry.

What It Means Now:

Shooting someone because they cut you off on the BQE. In other words, violence, abuse, hatred, etc. Rage management issues.

Why We Do It:

Face it, most people are irritating yahoos.

Color:

Red

Animal:

The Bear. Now I know why Smokey is carrying that shovel. For years I thought it was to put out fires, not smash in the heads of the people who start them.

Punishment

This is a good one. In the 5th circle of hell those who were wrathful hang out on the shores of the river Styx (supposed to smell like the Gowanus Canal), covered in mud, hitting and biting and generally fighting with each other. How is this different from the mud wrestling that's on pay-per-view today?

Lust

Lust is last, because I just don't have a problem with this one. Dante didn't either--in "The Divine Comedy" he discovered that sexual "misbehaving," for lack of a better term, was part of everyone's experience. And many of those guilty of this alleged sin made it to the third part of the poem, "Paradisio."

What It Used To Mean:

Having sex outside of marriage and for any other reason than procreating.

What It Means Now:

Uh, nothing? Unless it affects someone else in a negative physical and/or emotional way, I guess.

Why We Do It:

Ooh baby.

Color:

Blue. Which happens to be my favorite color, but that's just a coincidence.

Animal:

The Cow. Not what animal I'd pick to represent lust, but I suppose whoever did had his reasons.

Punishment

In the 2nd circle of hell the lustful are subjected to an endless tempest from which they can't escape. Torrential rains, and gale-force winds whirl them around and around. Since Dante didn't mind lust so much, I think you would have to have done something REALLY lustful to end up here. (Or just be one of the Borgias.)