Mid 2010:
Butterflies

(Continued from homepage...)

A while ago I was talking to a diverse group of friends/acquaintances, and the subject turned to relationships and what we all have and/or are looking for. For those of us who are looking, we decided to let the other people try to guess what each of us would say.

I was pretty amazed when a lot of the guesses about what I want a good relationship to be were wrong. I wasn't completely surprised since I haven't known most of them a long time. That makes me feel better, as I've always prided myself on being pretty much of an open book in regard to everything.

First, they thought I would believe in soulmates, and I don't. Well, let me clarify: I DO believe there are a few people in our lives who we're absolutely meant to connect with and have long term meaningful relationships with. (You know which ones I mean; the real connection.) Is each one of those people a "soulmate?" I guess, although I really don't use that term.

Then they thought I'd like someone who would do whatever I wanted to and treat me like the princess that I think I am. Not my wording, I assure you; it's like they were all channeling my dead father.

Of course I want someone who's going to be there for me, really appreciate me and pay attention to me. But I certainly do NOT want someone who's going to be solely focused on me and our relationship, or who thinks absolutely everything I do is wonderful (see "I'm an idiot" below) or lets me do anything I want to. I know, even I think it sounds like something I'd like, but I had a relationship like this once, and I grew to hate her and it.

At first it was fun. I love flowers, presents and attention. But soon it became clear to me that she wanted me to be her life. She paid attention to me in what became a very obsessive way. Sure, I definitely want someone to think about me every day. And at least text me every day. (Although I'm thinking even a daily brief call would probably be nice.) But calling me three, four or five times a day? And wanting to be with me every single minute? Dear God, NO. (She started talking about living together only five or six months in, and that's when I first started asking "holy crap what have I done?" in my head.)

I want someone to be part of my life and me be part of hers, but I don't want to be someone's whole life. I'm not anyone's savior. (Shut up.) As far as letting me do whatever I want, if that happens I will turn right back into a petulant 16 year old and run with it. I actually still get the willies thinking about this relationship, and it was over 20 years ago.

I try to hide it, but the fact is that basically I'm an idiot a lot of the time. And I want someone to tell me when she thinks I'm doing something stupid. I may not always agree with her, but if it's someone I'm in a relationship with, I'd value and want her opinion. And I'd like her to even kick my ass once in a while when I need it.

I want someone who's going to be my equal, on just about every level from evil sarcastic sense of humor to intelligence to age. I don't want a mother, nor do I want to be someone's mother. I want a girlfriend, period. (Note that I'm not saying "wife" or "partner," don't even get me started on that crap.) Someone who's progressing in her life, and has some kind of a plan. Her "plan" doesn't have to be set in stone; mine certainly isn't. (I'm way more of a procrastinator than I appear to be...) But I do have an idea of things I still want to do with my life and career, and which way to go about them.

I want someone who's as thoughtful as I am. I absolutely love getting flowers, but I like giving them too. A relationship has to be a two-way street, to be trite. Absolutely has to be. (BTW, the "thoughtful" part has nothing to do with money — well, it doesn't have to. What's a card cost to buy and mail? $2.00? An unexpected sweet text message before you're going to sleep? Probably free.)

Am I sort of bossy sometimes? Yeah, I can be. And I can be sort of bitchy, albeit in an entertaining gay-man-in-a-lesbians-body kind of way. But most girls have said they like both these things about me, so I'm keeping them. (I do try to monitor these traits, though.) I'm also a way bigger girl than most people know, and there's no other way to say this, but a girl who really digs on me being such a girl is incredibly Hot. (With a capital "H.")

Everyone also assumed I wanted to date someone younger — you know, because I'm so hip and cool. (Shut up².) This can be true, within reason. But I don't believe an age difference over 10 years (and that's pushing it) will work for the long haul. Won't happen.

I said recently that the Beatles broke up 40 years ago this year, and someone for me needs to have listened to their records when they were still together. (Even if they were 4 or 5; you get the point.) I have no desire to have someone worship me because I'm older so I've done a lot of stuff and I'm "wise." (Yes, this has actually happened to me.) Sorry, but someone in their 50s and a 35 year old is just sad, for so many reasons. (Trust me, I've had personal experience...)

Finally, people thought I'd want to be married and live with a girl, and I just don't think I buy into that anymore. If I had a chance to walk down an aisle in a dress that focused EVERYONE'S attention on my breasts in an obvious yet classy way? That would be hard for me to say no to. But making it legal? I don't think I see it for me.

I don't even think I want to live with someone. I've been close to a very stable long term relationship (going on 9 years) where the two women don't live together, and it's the best relationship that I know of. I recently read an article about a couple who'd been married seven years and didn't live together. There were two quotes in the article that I loved, and—to me—defined why this can work. The first was basically "There's a certain magic to our marriage, and it comes from not being together all the time." And the second quote is similar: "Just because you love someone doesn't mean they have to consume you. There has to be room for yourself in a relationship."

But honestly, this marriage/living together question isn't even on my radar now. Not at all; it's so far down the road in any relationship. (Or it should be.) I'll cross that bridge I come to it, and then I'll see what happens.

The bottom line is that I think I'm a pretty good person, and have a lot of good qualities — especially ones that I bring to a relationship. But I also have a great rack, really good hair and excellent fashion sense — things that have a lot to do with attraction, which is a very important part of the relationship equation. It's either there or it's not.

What defines "it?" I don't know. But I DO know it just hits you, For me, it doesn't grow, you're not friends with someone for years and then just say "Hey, let's try dating each other." Boring! (And way too desperate...) It should be like a thunderbolt. You see her and BOOM. Your heart skips a beat. And you know. You know this could be something. It has potential.

But you're not going to be attracted to everyone, even people that have all the other qualities you're looking for. And I guess those last two sentences, and the "BOOM," are why it isn't easy to find the people you're supposed to connect with to have those few truly meaningful relationships with. Speaking for myself, I really value certain things in my life because they weren't easy to come by. Why should finding a real, connected relationship be any different? (Although it would be nice if it was a little freakin easier...)

I'm waiting to hear the same thing Carrie waited to hear in the last episode of Sex and the City, in one of my all-time favorite scenes in a TV show or a movie. But I won't settle. I don't care how long it takes. I want someone who still gives me butterflies each time I see her. (And vice versa, obviously.)

I know it's possible, because that's what it was like in my last really long-term relationship Even with all the breakups, and all the crap and all her drama. Even after seven years, I still felt genuine butterflies each time I saw her. Every single time. And even a lot of times when she called me.

"Some people are settling down, some people are settling and some people refuse to settle for anything less than butterflies." I won't settle, so I just need to find the butterflies again.