April 2005: Online Bulletin Board = Junior High School for "Adults"
I would like to state for the record that I'm not referring to bulletin boards that serve a specific altruistic purpose, for example the one about rescuing siamese cats that my friend Kim belongs to. Those do the world a service and are not the self-indulgent bullshit type of boards that I'm referring to in this rant.
I've never automatically subscribed to any kind of a "party line," (the philosophical kind, not the kind they had in "Pillow Talk.") So despite the fact that I create Web sites for a so-called living, there's an online activity that I consider to be one of the seven plagues on modern mankind. A place where people whine and complain about anything and everything, including their personal lives (yes, spouses and boy/girlfriends.) And all the while they're being cheered on and constantly reassured by their coterie of invisible "friends," who don't seem to care that they're only getting one one side of the personal issues they're weighing in on. Yes, I'm talking about online bulletin boards, AKA junior high for "adults."
Helping to prove the puerileness point in the next paragraph, I actually got broken up with over this rant. No, I'm not making this up; I wish I were. I'm still having a hard time believing it really happened myself. (Who knew I was such a powerful writer? And if that's true how come I can't manage to get at least one of my freakin' novels published?) Read it and weep: she actually chose invisible people over me. I don't think it gets more cold-hearted (and surreal) than that. Discuss among yourselves and
I touch on this topic just a little in the current "Ask Boxhead," but that one really deals more with blogging. Bulletin boards, while also as boring and egocentric as blogging, have a much greater potential for evil and, quite frankly, pure inanity and puerileness. (Yes, those are both real words; I looked them up. When you're being this snotty, you better be 100 percent grammatically correct.)
Public online bulletin boards? Think junior-high-school clique with its own radio station and the ability to transmit globally. Scratch that; radio's not "interactive" enough to describe this. It's more like a junior-high-school clique with CB radios that broadcasts all of their conversations over the public airwaves. The kind of conversations I used to have with my eighth-grade friends from Blessed Sacrament on my Princess telephone. ("Really? You like rye toast and apple juice for breakfast too? Cool. Man, isn't Kathy McCann a retard?") Scared and appalled yet? You should be. (And, apparently, judging by the most recent turn of events, I should have been even more appalled than I was.)
The particular BB I'm referring to (I'm not going to give a name or URL as I have no desire to give these pathetic freaks and basement mushrooms any free exposure) is supposed to be just about music. And if it were only that, I wouldn't have much to say about it. I'm mean, I'd still think it was queer, and not in the good way, because fandom taken to extremes is always super creepy, especially if you're no longer an adolescent. But whatever. The thing is, though, that the majority of the posts end up being about things not even remotely related to music.
Now, before I go any further I'd like to answer anyone who's saying "Well, you have a site, and it's public, fairly self-centered, and frequently stupid." Yes it is, and I have no problem admitting that. The very name of my site should let anyone know that it's all about me. (And if I'm involved, chances are at least a small quantity of stupidity isn't going to be far behind. . .)
But here's the crucial difference: I do this site as a solitary activity. It's what I think and feel and do and produce. I put all that together and then put it out there for viewing--like a painting. People can look at it, or not look at it. They can like it, or not like it. I'm not there when they're viewing it, and I'm definitely not looking to set up any kind of a real-time dialogue or interaction with them, nor am I looking for their reassurance or to tell me that I'm bitchin. Yes, it is nice and gratifying to hear when it happens (and it has happened, smart guy), but I don't expect it or wait to hear that kind of thing. Here it is, take it or leave it, period. Another key difference is that I don't update my site minute by minute, every day, nor do I cover absolutely every single happening in my life, no matter how unimportant and granular. Jeez, if I don't care about myself that much, who else is going to? I can barely come up with monthly updates.
I'm not even sure what to start to pick apart, because I'm thoroughly disgusted by the entire BB entity. So let's start with the things that have affected me personally. The issue that started me off on this whole rant is how some of these people trash their spouses or boy/girlfriends. I'm fairly biased about this one for obvious reasons. We're talking lines like:
--"My wife's crazy as shit."
--"My gf just got home and is pissed I didn't have dinner ready."
--"I was worried my current girlfriend was reminding me of my sister but I got over it after she gave me head."
Gee, isn't it great to know that your significant other has reduced the details of your relationship to bulletin-board fodder, posted to try to get laughs from the rest of the clique? It's essentially a non-physical form of the MTV show "Jackass." And it's amazing how it sounds uncannily like the "Dudes, my girlfriend let me feel her up last night" you'd hear in the cafeteria at second-period lunch. (Most of these people are supposed to be grown ups, so I don't know what their excuse is.) However, I do have to admit that some--actually most--of the people seem to be quite respectful toward, and even enamored of, their boy/girlfriends and spouses, and even say things like "My gf totally kicks ass." (Of course, things like that were never said about me; I was mentioned only in the the "my wife's crazy as shit" category.)
Then the frequent online flirting (something I didn't do, but that I do plan to start) and amount of pure, unadulterated fantasy and time wasting simply make me too crazy to discuss in an even remotely rational manner.
Okay, moving on let's assume I have absolutely no personal involvement with this board and just stumbled upon it willy nilly. Do I still think it's incredibly stupid? Yes, yes I do. (However, I probably wouldn't be bothering to write this tirade.) I simply fail to understand why people who aren't 13 feel the need to share the minute details of their day-to-day existence and require this much constant DAILY reassurance in their lives. For example, it's very common for one of the moderators to post "It's BigLoser's birthday today." And then all these different people add to the thread and each one posts something like "Hey, have a great one BigLoser." Really, there can be over 20 posts that all basically say the same exact thing.
Or someone posts "My boss yelled at me again today" and the whole long sob story. Or "I have a job interview today," and the whole long story. And the answers to the first type of post are always "Really sorry to hear that, darlin', too bad you have to go through this." 20 to 25 of that, slightly different wording. For the second type the replies are generally: "Good luck, you'll do great." Again, the same thing 20 to 25 times with slightly different wording. They also often use "emoticons" for emphasis. Super. (Did you ever see the "Cake" episode of "Seinfeld?" "Get well, get well soon, we want you to get well." How Elaine's coworkers gave every event, no matter how small and undeserving of acknowledgment, the same importance? Thereby negating all importance? This board is that episode played out in real
Then there are the posts that actually come out and say "I'm a big loser," for whatever reason, and end with a sentence like "I'm such a fuckin' loser," accompanied by a frowny, sad-face emoticon. Of course, then the whole gang (including Darla, Spanky and Alfalfa...) has to profusely reassure the person and tell him/her "you aren't a loser, aren't a loser, aren't a loser. Gee whiz you're great. Really great, really really great, really really really great. We love you!"
Translation of all the above: "Look at me, accept me, listen to me, acknowledge me, reassure me, pay attention to me, justify me, talk to me, validate me, love me, love me, L-O-V-E M-E!!!!" Jesus H. Christ on a raft, it's unsupervised group therapy and a scary big hillbilly love fest rolled into one. Now, maybe it's because I've been writing and doing other creative things for a long time (you need a fairly thick skin or you'll be eaten alive), but I stopped needing anyone else to validate me, what I think, what I say, or what I create years ago--and believe me, I am not what one would call "secure." However, apparently, like clever and stupid, it's also a fine line between insecure and pathetically needy.
I couldn't really come up with a clever ending or way to tie this up, so I'm going to leave you with some examples of actual posts to further illustrate the original postulation. I will say that if I do ever get around to creating the list of questions to ask girls I'm thinking of dating, the first question is going to be: "Do you regularly post to an online bulletin board?" And if they answer "yes?" Well, I think you know. . .
† "Attention all fine hos"
"I would like to dedicate this song to every girl who's sucked my dick 'thank you' "
Do I really need to comment on this one? So what exactly is it that the so-called "moderators" of this board do anyway? Promote sexism and misogynistic behavior? Hey, nice work!
† "Prom Is Tomorrow" (NOTE: I swear I'm not making this one up)
"I'm so hyped... we're getting a limo, i know most everyone who's going, i get to dance with my girl, and the after party lasts all night. It's gonna be awesome."
You have people up to, and possibly over, the age of 50, on the same bulletin board used by actual high school students. I can't believe that doesn't make them feel creepy and like Michael Jackson. I wonder if any of them have offered to give him "Jesus Juice" in a coke can?
† "spriNG BREAJK"
"I'm home. From alcohol. And bitches. Hell yes."
See above, ditto the "moderator" comment. And ditto the Michael Jackson comment but now add misogynistic rapper and traitor woman of your choice.
† "You people are BORING!"
"I have been bored as shit for the last two days...step it up. Talk some shit. Call some sorry fuckers out. Talk about someone's Daddy!"
Hey pal, here's a couple bulletins: 1. You're one of "you people." 2. If you're relying on something as inane as a Web bulletin board to make your life interesting, just shoot yourself in the head now. I think you'd be doing the collective world a favor.
† "I made my apple cinnamon/brown sugar pork chops last night"
Over 10 people then felt compelled to respond with things like "sounds great" and "can I come over to dinner?"
† "Bonor's Sexy Survey: What time of day are you most horny?"
People were supposed to click in and pick a time of day and the results were displayed in a bar graph.
Again, for anyone over the age of 15, there's just no excuse for this. I can only imagine how many of them are wearing a "No Fat Chicks" t-shirt right now.
† "Post One Interesting Fact About Yourself"
"The toenails on my right foot are gross"
"I am a beautiful and unique snowflake"
1. It's not just your toenails that are gross...
2. You're not a snowflake, you're an asshole. The end.
And that, my friend, is what they call "closure."