February 2006: It's Just Another Day

Since I admit to being a huge romantic (that probably translates to "sucker" or "idealist," depending on who you are), it may be surprising to hear that I'm not so crazy about Valentine's Day. These feelings have nothing to do with the fact that the day originated as a result of someone (St. Valentine) being killed, and then the early Christians deciding to celebrate his feast day in the middle of February in an effort to put the ever-present stamp of Christianity on the Pagan Lupercalia festival. All that IS completely lame, but do I really care about something that happened in the third century? Not really. (No, I was not Lupercalia Festival Princess of 278 AD.)

I don't completely hate Valentine's Day, and I DO acknowledge/"celebrate" it. And my feelings about the day are pretty much the same whether I'm single or I'm in a relationship--which I am right now. (At least I was when I wrote the first draft of this. Now I'm not so sure; don't ask.) Anyway, the point is that whether I have a Valentine or not, I still think I the holiday has "issues," e.g., it's bossy and exclusionary.

Bossy in that it's saying you must pick this particular day to show how much you love someone. Sure, I've never been one to turn down a gift--jewelry, lingerie, and/or electronics being particular favorites--on any day, including this one. But a really sweet card and/or candy and/or whatever would actually mean more to me if my girlfriend gave it to me on an "ordinary" day. Because that would mean she really just wanted to do it on her own, not because every other TV commercial between February 1 and 13th was blaring at her and telling her that she HAD to. (It's all about the ordinary-day gifts and cards and attention, trust me on this people.)

What happens is you see all these harried people in card stores picking through what's left on February 13th or 14th, or they're at Walgreens or Duane Reade or Target picking through the now-completely-decimated Valentine section trying to find anything that even remotely looks like a heart. Think it doesn't get sadder than that? It does, at least in New York City. You see the "sell-stuff-to-people-in-cars" guys out there on Valentine's Day peddling ugly light-up PLASTIC roses. And tons of people buy them! ("Happy Valentine's Day, this ugly light-up plastic rose shows how much I love you." My God, what do they give to people they just like? A poke in the eye with a sharp stick?)

And it's not a question of having money or not having money. (On Valentine's Day these ugly plastic roses go for at least five bucks--way more than a nice card would have cost.) It's about what loving someone and being in a relationship means. And for me, when you love someone, you think about her/him. A lot. So since she/he is on your mind every single day anyway, you will just know that you have to get your ass into a card store way before February 14. Jesus H. Christ on a raft, make a freakin' card if you have to and are so inclined. Just put some genuine thought and feeling into whatever you do.

Hmm. . .now that I'm looking at all this, I think I should be placing the responsibility on the mooks who fall for the hype as opposed to the holiday itself. I guess it is up to the individual. There's a government statistic that said 15 percent of women send themselves flowers on Valentine's Day. 15 percent! But I've never felt the need to do anything quite that nuts. Nor have I ever had Cupid show up at my door with a gun on February 14th and say "Buy a dented heart-shaped tin of Altoids and a light-up plastic rose or I'm going to blow your brains out."

And I guess I can't presume to speak for everyone on the gift/card thing. Sure, I think a handmade card would be great and definitely show that someone loved me and that I mattered. But maybe someone else would rip it up and say "Fool, what is this crap? Where the hell is my two-foot tall Tweety Bird valentine and bottle of Charlie?" To quote that old sage, Sly Stone, "Different strokes for different folks." (As much as that appalls me. . .)

However, even though I just thoroughly waffled on my original bossy postulation, I AM sticking by the exclusionary one--and that IS probably the biggest problem I have with Valentine's Day. The day glorifies being in love, i.e., having someone to call your Valentine, which is fine. But then it crosses the line into the point of delirium. The "Hey, ain't love grand" message gets garbled into, "If you DON'T have someone to call your Valentine and you're alone on February 14th, you're a complete pathetic loser." And I have to confess, I've bought into that be-a-couple-or-be-a-loser line at many times in my life.

But now that I'm older and wiser (really, I am wiser, despite the fact that I'm quoting Sly Stone), I see how much of a load of crap that is. To wit:

  • Being in a relationship doesn't make you better than anyone else. (If it's a good relationship it will make you FEEL better, but that's it.)
  • Therefore, not being in a relationship doesn't make you a loser. I mean, you may very well BE a loser, but that's got nothing to do with being single.
  • No one else can "complete" you. They can complement you, help you, support you, always be there for you, and love you. But you're you, with or without anyone else.
  • If you're not happy with yourself and who you are and with your own life, a relationship won't change that. It won't change the things about yourself that you don't like, and it won't save you from those things. Instead of trying to correct them, now you'll probably just end up always blaming the relationship and the other person for what's been your own crap all along. Nice.
    And last but never least,
  • Being alone is better than being in a bad relationship. It's sad, but a fact nonetheless. Ups and downs are one thing, and completely normal. (How many times have I said "God, you are such a complete selfish bitch"--or has someone said that to me--and NOT broken up? Uh, like zillions?) Whoever was the jerk admits it, apologizes and then you both talk about it. And that's the only way that you can get past it and move on; two-sided communication. But if you feel like you're ALWAYS putting more into a relationship than you're getting back? Or the other person keeps falling into the same patterns, like being repeatedly completely emotionally inaccessible? Yowza, that's bad. I think the key here is being mature enough to know and deal with the difference between these two.

I know, that last one isn't a very "Valentiney" message to leave you with, but if you really think about it, it's probably the only remotely useful thing I've said in all of this.

So Happy Valentine's Day. If you have someone who wants to be your Valentine, great. You should be happy and thankful that you have someone who loves you, so don't take her or him for granted. Tell them how much they matter to you, and do it a lot, not just on special days. (In other words, don't act like a dick.) But the special day thing does matter, too, so get your ass into a store to buy an ultra fab gift for your Valentine or get those crayons out and start making the bitchinest, original, handmade card ever. NOW!

And if you're not in love, or in love but alone for whatever reason, that's okay too. You've got yourself, and that's nothing to sneeze at. Even if you're in the most heinous of Valentine's Day mindsets: the just-broke-up-with-someone place. Especially if you're the breakee not the breaker. Already bought some candy for her/him? Throw it out or give it to someone else. Bought really bitchin' new V-Day lingerie as a surprise? Screw him/her, wear it anyway, for yourself. E-mails from online florists? Delete 'em as soon as they hit your inbox. I know all this is easier said than done, (believe me, I know), but at least give it a try.

Focus on what you DO have, not what you don't have. Instead of being sad, buy yourself a present. Or go out with some friends. Go to a movie. Just stay home and watch TV or read a book. Get drunk--but only if that will make you the life of the party instead of maudlin.

Or pretend you're Doris Day in "Pillow Talk" and take a bath while eating candy, which is probably what I'll end up doing. Not Valentine candy though. To me, buying yourself a Russell Stover heart-shaped box of candy is as high up on the crazy scale as sending yourself flowers. (Unless you get it after Valentine's Day for half off--that's not pathetic, that's a bargain.)

Bottom line: no matter what Hallmark says, it really IS just another day.