July 2002: John Stamos and the Apocalypse

The apocalypse is at hand. Yeah, you probably think I'm only saying this because I got laid off. After five years of corporate hijinks like being expelled from a dept. (my proudest moment). After doing a successful public HR Web site that another dept. later destroyed, and after creating and producing--by myself, thank you--a brand new intranet that people liked and used. After all that, a former accountant who can't open a PDF in his browser discards me like an old, uh, I mean used shoe. (But I'm not bitter.) Or you think I'm saying it because I've made the unpleasant discovery that I'll never get a girl I like to actually date me. And don't start with me--that's a valid, scientific-method proven FACT, not me being pathetic. (Let's call it a pathetic fact.) No, there's a much more sinister sign of the impending doom.  John Stamos wearing full makeup and quasi-bondage suspenders without a shirt, trying to look decadent as the new emcee in "Cabaret."  YEOW! Talk about the seventh sign, the omen, AND the four horsemen rolled into one.

I mentioned this to Terry, and she wasn't all that appalled. She said that maybe he's good, and I should be more open minded. Which might be a valid point, were it not for three important considerations:

But back to Mr. Stamos. I have absolutely nothing against him personally. I mean, what's not to like? He's cute, looks a lot like my college boyfriend, is in his 40s, rich, and he snagged an incredibly bitchin' wife. And I'm sure he's a fine little actor as well, the embarrassing "Full House" aside.

But there are just some things that should never be done, as they upset the balance of the universe and hence set things spinning toward apocalyptic inevitability. One of those is casting John Stamos in the part of a jaded, seedy homo in Bauhaus, pre-WW II Berlin. It doesn't even matter if he's good; it's just one of those matter/anti-matter deals. You can't do it or chaos will reign. It's like when they started handing out the part of Rizzo in "Grease" to every even remotely known female celebrity on the planet--that probably did more damage to the earth's axis than all of stinky old France's underground nuclear testing.

So, I guess there are two messages here: the first is that all of us must constantly be aware of the matter/anti-matter thing and not buy into it. Really, if no one went to see "Cabaret" with John Stamos in it, do you think they'd keep him? No way. And some of the balance of the universe would be restored. At least until they give the part to David Hasselhoff. (Just run for your life when that happens.)

The second message is that, apocalyptic or not, everything happens for a reason. The cosmic reason for me never getting a girl I actually like to date me? I was obviously Hitler in my last life. (Jeez, wasn't the drunken episode of trying to join the Marines in 1987 after Susanne dumped me for the third time enough of a payment for the Hitler thing?)

But if you think of all the experiences in your life as threads of energy, all those threads need to be created in order to be woven into one WHOLE piece of living fabric. You can just sit back, let all the experiences happen and be woven into what ultimately is your life and not give the "why" a second thought. Give in to popular opinions. Take things for granted. Just live your life like a piece of wood being carried down a river; "Que sera sera" to quote my old friend Doris Day.

Or you can try to understand what all these experiences mean and apply them to your life--inner and outer--in appreciable ways. Use these events to further define your sense of who you are, and your place in the universe. Because without knowing those two things, or trying to know them, you can't see what you really need (not want, NEED). Who and what make you feel good, and are helping you fulfill your destiny, and what and who screw with your self esteem and make you feel bad/unsure of yourself. (Think it's easy to know the difference? Trust me, it's not, especially when it comes to people.) Everything happens for a reason. All the things you do, all the things that are done to you, all the people you meet. EVERYTHING. It might not be the reason you think it is at first, or the reason you expect, or the reason you want it to be. Figure out what that reason is, the one that will move your life and mind forward, and act on it accordingly.

Woah, dudes, I didn't understand a freakin' word I just said in those last two paragraphs. And I'm not even drinking. Did it make sense? Here's the second important message I MEANT to write: I may be unemployed, but at least I'm not the CEO's personal flack and boy butt monkey who knows as much about Web sites as my dogs do. Ha. Good, I'm back to normal--I think me going all Socratic method and Newtonian is one of those matter/anti-matter things, too, and I certainly don't want to be responsible for the earth shifting off its axis. Guess I better go try to find someone who wants to go see "Men in Black II" with me now. . .