June 2005: It's My Birthday and I'll Rant If I Want To
I'm always a little perplexed when it comes to topics for my birthday rants. I've already done one about my birthday curse, so I'm not going to write about that again. No sign of the curse yet this year, although the stupid block party for the street I live on is on my birthday, and that is pretty horrible. And I don't want to waste time writing about, to quote Mick Jagger, "What a drag it is getting old." (Although if anyone should know about getting old, he should. . .) So instead I'm just going to spew out random acerbic thoughts. After all, aren't you supposed to be able to do and say whatever you want to on your birthday? No matter how much it pisses people off?
Although there are some exceptions, generally I think blogging is the work of out-of-work journalists and people with too much time on their hands who have nothing of consequence to say. (Boxhead agrees with me.) This piece is as close as I'll get to blogging; especially since it's going to be stream of consciousness and I'm not really saying anything of consequence either.
- I just watched the AFI's "100 Top Movie quotes," and I would like to know what drugs they're on. "Nobody puts baby in a corner" was #98? But the stupid "speed" quote from the inane "Top Gun" is #94? Are they kidding me with this crap? What a bunch of tards.
- In the elevator at work today I saw that it (June 17) is Barry Manilow's birthday, and he's 59. If Barry Manilow is only 59, I'm an ovum.
- What is people's and the media's fascination with Paris Hilton? She's a total skank, she's not good looking, she's not talented (at least not at acting or speaking), and she's dumber than a box of rocks. She's a rich girl, period. There are lots of rich girls, why is this one always in our faces? And now her mother, just a rich woman (as opposed to girl), has her own reality show. The Hiltons must be stopped. When did having more money than God and being a jet-setting, society-page socialite not become enough for these people? If I ever do win the lottery and finally become a rich girl myself, I am not going to go on the road with Nicole Ritchie, will not star in bad horror film remakes, will not carry a Chihuahua around like a purse, nor will I appear on Page Six every other day right after all the items about Kimora Lee Simmons. I will be happy just spending my money in peace and quiet as God intended. (However, I may have contracts put out on the Hiltons.)
- Reality TV is one of the most abysmal trends ever unleashed on society. "Survivor" is just a televised, adult (and I use the adjective "adult"
loosely. . .) version of "Lord of the Flies." "Fear Factor" is everybody's fraternity/sorority initiation (like I want to see that on TV). And "The Amazing Race" is the antithesis of amazing. Although it might be fun if they had these boobs race off a cliff like lemmings--something I'm sure all these contestants would do if a large bundle of money was dangled in front of them on a stick. The only thing these shows do is send two messages:
--It's okay to be shallow, incredibly stupid and to do anything for money.
--Lying, cheating and stealing are okay, because that's how you get ahead.
I don't know who I'm more disappointed in, the people who create this drivel or the people who sit glued to it like zombies every week. I am thoroughly appalled. And believe me, I lived through the 80s and someday hope to be editor-in-chief of "The Weekly World News"--it takes a LOT to appall me. - That "runaway bride." The woman couldn't have just left a note and run off, she had to do something totally self-serving and cause a big drama around herself. A drama, I might add, that involved a lot of people and a lot of money. And how is she punished for this ridiculous selfishness? By being given a huge book deal, being shown on the news every ten minutes, and having an over-botoxed, Diane-Sawyer-is-kicking-my-ass Katie Couric fly down there and do an entire show about her on prime-time TV. God, I hate the media.
- Would some crazy person please cut Karl Rove's tongue out. I don't want him killed, just silenced. Forever.
- So I was watching "In The Life" last night (it IS gay pride week, after all), and found out that ABC ran a story on one of their lame pop "news" shows that essentially said the two moronic reprobates who tortured and murdered Matthew Shepard did it because they were all strung out on meth, NOT because he was gay. Excuse me? In their original statements these two referred to him being "queer" a number of times. But apparently now one of them is trying to get his sentence reduced, and ABC for some unknown reason has become a willing participant in the sham. Thank God for Nancy Grace, who appeared as the voice of reason. She summed it up by saying: "I don't know what they're thinking; you can't rewrite history." ABC and their minion the empty talking-head homophobe Elizabeth Vargas can kiss my dyke ass in Macy's window; I don't know how any of them can sleep at night.
- People that are still using the term "alternative" to describe music--especially people who consider themselves music afficionados--need to wake up and realize that term was over ten years ago. An alternative to what? Music NOT by whiney white boys who tend to all sound the same like most of these "alternative" guys do? Give it a rest, slacker boys. And PS, get a haircut.
- The whole "metrosexual" thing is a load of crap. There are straight men and gay men, period. Anything in between is a bisexual, and everyone knows a man calling himself bisexual only means he's too chicken to come out and admit he's gay. Metrosexual? No way. To wit:
Capris + man = fag
Moisturizer + man = fag
0 + 0 = fag
Sorry, I stole that last one from the often-brilliant "Kids in the Hall"
There was even an article in "The New York Times" today about how it's hard to tell which men are gay and which are straight anymore because of all the "metrosexual" accoutrement, and that because of that "gaydar" doesn't work anymore. Really? Mine works just fine. So does my friend Stephen's (queen of the homos). The only problem seems to be that straight people can't tell who's gay anymore, and who gives a crap about that? Now they're all starting to use the term "gay vague." God, I hate the media--did I already say that? - It seems that the country's President (I refuse to call him "my" President), Monkeyboy Georgie Bush, has finally decided to give up on his ridiculous privatizing social security debacle. However, instead now he's decided that we all need lots and lots more nuclear power plants. (Since he can't spell or pronounce "Chernobyl," he doesn't seem to remember it happened.) His rationale is two-fold, saying they're safer and that they won't be a target for terrorists. The safer thing is bullshit, because the specific technology isn't what caused Three Mile Island or Chernobyl. They'll never be safe for one reason: human error, period. That's always been the issue, not the technology. Then there's the question about what to do with the copious amounts of nuclear waste that are still toxic for a very long time. (Plutonium 239 has a half life of 24,000 years.) As long as humans are making the decisions, nuclear plants are not any safer today than they were in 1979. As far as the terrorist angle, I have no idea why he thinks this has become a non-issue all of a sudden. There's at least one hysterical story a month about how easy it would be for terrorists to do a Chernobyl here at Indian Point. The media practically give the terrorists a blueprint for doing it. Man, I hate this guy.
- I've had it with people who put punctuation outside of quotation marks. I talked about it in the Cranky Grammarian, and it's really not a hard thing to remember. Especially since we've always done it this way in America and, hello, didn't you all go to school? The period goes inside the quotation marks. If you can't remember this rule, you should not be allowed to write anything that others/the public will see. Now that the masses can put their thoughts online, the rules of grammar and punctuation have gone to hell in the proverbial handbasket. Don't even get me started on the basic spelling mistakes ("seperate"). Hopefully, but the time it gets really bad, and stupid-slacker expressions like "appreesh" are in the dictionary, I will be dead.
Although it's generally much better than "The L Word," I am disappointed in "Queer as Folk" this season. The bone of contention is what constitutes acting like a "grown up." Monogamy is the first thing brought up, which I have no problem with. But then they imply that the aforementioned monogamy is only one component of the "married, kids, move to the suburbs" routine. According to them, you can't have one without the other. Trust me, you can. You do not need to move out of the city or have children in order to have a family. That idea sounds like it came straight from the Christian Coalition; spare me.
Brian, who I've always considered the voice of reason and the only character on QAF who isn't a whining crybaby, describes this lifestyle as being "ersatz heterosexuals," an opinion I tend to agree with. But he doesn't just state this and then drop it. He takes it one step further by saying he won't even visit his friends at their new suburban home and then when he does show up, he constantly makes fun of them. The now-suburban-living friends, on the other hand, continually call Brian a Peter Pan and tell him that he's a loser and immature because he doesn't want to get married and adopt a bunch of Himalayan whistle kids like they have. The intolerant sniping back and forth is like watching criminals turn on each other after the cops nab them. Jeez, lighten up Francis. Bottom line: do whatever it is that you want to do. But I am pissed that the writers are pushing monogamy/kids/suburbs as an unbreakable unit. It's just not true; many gay people have absolutely no desire to have children.
- I hope that Ken Lay and Maurice Greenberg are soon in the cells on either side of former Tyco honcho/greedy bastard Dennis Kozlowski in a state prison. Chinos, stylish denim shirts, and tennis? Not quite. Hey boys, get ready to change your names to "Ben Dover." (Please give your new cellmates Big Leon and Bluto my regards and tell them to write.)
- The drug store I stop in almost every weekday morning to buy my diet Dr. Peppers has a display in the window of something called greeting card candles. The tagline is "Say it with a candle." You know the only thing you say when you give someone a greeting card candle you bought at a drug store? "I'm a cheap fuck."
Things That Need to Go to The Cornfield
