March/April 2006: The Eternal Questions

Despite the fact that I'm supposed to be wiser than I was 20 years ago, I'm finding there are lots of things I still don't understand. Don't get me wrong, I am definitely wiser. But that's not saying much, since for me that means going from plain idiot to well-intentioned, high-class idiot. Wiser or not though, I'm still puzzled by "the eternal questions." I have a feeling mine are slightly different than the usual ones like: "Is there a God?" (Yes.) "Is there a life after death?" (Ditto.) "Does it matter if everyone likes you?" (NO. Unless of course you're the type who talks to and likes everyone, but then gradually fades out anyone who does manage to get close enough to really  know you.)

My questions are much more, well, let's say they're much more "simple," for lack of a better word, even though that makes it sound like I'm a little slow. (I'm an idiot, not retarded. There's a difference. Just ask Macy Grey...) Also, my questions are of a much more personal nature and tend to revolve around my life and me, Al Franken. The list that follows isn't all my "eternal" questions, of course, and they might not even be the most important ones. They're just the ones I could think of right now.

Why are so many working class people Republicans?
This one has always baffled me. Sure, I know that since they're hugely afraid of change they want to keep everything like it was--in 1958. God, country, women knew their place, no homos, blah blah blah. But if they actually listened to or read the details of what this "party" (and I use that term loosely here) is all about, they'd realize that Republicans hate the working class. And the middle class. They only care about the rich, period. Republicans, especially the current "empire of evil" current administration, would turn homeless people into Soylent Green if they thought they could get away with it. But meanwhile these bozos keep voting for people like Ken Delay and Dubya. I just don't get it.

If Goofy is a dog, and Pluto is a dog, why does Goofy get to talk and wear clothes, but Pluto has to be "the dog?"
Have been asking this question since I was around six years old; still don't have an answer. Is Pluto just "slow?" Doesn't this make Mickey a slave owner? And if Pluto IS slow, what about Goofy? Have you ever heard him? He's the "slow" poster boy, despite being able to walk upright and wear clothes.

If you start grinding up people and putting them in cat food, will cats start attacking their owners since now they have a taste for humans?
Well, in the movie "The Corpse Grinders" the answer was a definite "yes," but I'm still not so sure. I'll let you know when I figure out a way I can try this out myself...

Why does the NY City Subway continue to put "Courtesy is Contagious" on all its advertising?
Courtesy is NOT contagious. I wish it was, but for the most part, it just isn't. And the place that proves this the most is actually the NY City subway system. I'm not saying I will ever be a Chinese seat-seeking missle, but I'm not about to take crap from anyone or let them push their way in front of me for a seat. Also, I think it is entirely appropriate to yell "MOVE YOU MORON" when someone is standing in a door when you're trying to exit the train. Believe it or not, I used to be a nice white girl who DID believe all that courtesy crap. I was so obviously nice that for the first few years I was living in New York, people would always say "You're not from New York, are you?" Now, no one's said that to me for years and years. That's not a good thing, is it?

Why didn't the other castaways just kill Gilligan?
He was the only reason they never got rescued. It wasn't like they couldn't have just said he died at sea. I didn't understand this when I was a kid, and I still don't get it. Today, not only would they have killed him, they would have eaten him too. Just for the hell of it.

Why do people get addicted to shows like "American Idol?"
I don't know WHY, but I do know all you have to do is see it once and you're hooked. Seriously, it's like heroin. Although my personal favorite is Kellie Pickler from North Carolina (Come on, her mother's dead, her father's in jail, she lives with her grandpa and works at a drive-in restaurant where she has to wear roller skates. AND she's a nice girl.), unfortunately I think she may choke getting closer to the finals. Ace is gorgeous and makes me want to turn in my lesbian membership card, but pretty or not, he's not good enough to be the big winner either. Add to that I think the viewers are more predisposed to the girls. So, the big winner this year will be: Katharine McPhee. That's my prediction, and I'm sticking to it. /p>

Why can Ken Lay file for bankruptcy if he's still worth $650,000?
I know he's doing it to dodge his debts and lawsuits, but come on. (Plus you know he stashed the money somewhere.) So now you're bankrupt if your net worth is $650,000 and under? Bulletin: Hey, I'm bankrupt!

Why do people need to carry bottles of water with them all the time?
Granted, I'm all about the diet Dr. Pepper, but I don't feel the need to carry a bottle of it with me wherever I go. For some reason, around the late 90s, tons of people started carrying bottles of water with them everywhere--on the street, movies, meetings, everyplace. They even make bags and backpacks with little compartments to hold the water bottles. Why do these people feel the need to be hydrated 24/7? Are they drying out? Are children born not as moist as they were in my day? I know I'm drying out, but that's because I'm old and pretty soon will just dissolve and then blow away. What's their excuse?

When did Easter, a religious holiday commemorating the death and resurrection of Jesus Christ, become all about candy? And bunnies?
Don't get me wrong, I have absolutely no problem with the whole candy thing. I'm probably candy's biggest fan. (Ditto bunnies). But these days children who have never even seen the inside of a church and have no religious background whatsoever expect tons of candy and egg-searching parties on Easter. Do they have any idea what the day is really supposed to be about? And don't their parents think that matters? A little?

I have not switched over to the "religious" right or nor have I just seen the Virgin Mary in a slice of toast. I still believe in a woman's right to choose, the right to worship or not worship as you please, and that people who wield their Christianity like a club are pinheads, not Christians. But the fact that a fairly heavy-duty religious holiday has turned into an almost a completely secular one does make me a little uneasy about where the world is going. (Catholic school + Easter week = Church. All the time. Not saying that was a good thing, just stating a fact. We had to WORK for our damn candy.) You can call me a conservative or whatever you want, but I still think the world would be a better place if more people--children included--had a real relationship with God. (Preferably not via most organized religion.) That said, I will be accepting Easter baskets all day, Sunday, April 16, at my house. And I really like Bunny Big-Ears; it tastes like crap, but there's a lame play on words on the box that I always forget, but then when I see it again never fails to crack me up every single year.  LATE-BREAKING NEWS: And if you do bring/find the aforementioned Bunny Big-Ears (apparently sale of said chocolate rabbit has been banned in the New York Metro area, or at least the areas I frequent) and a really big candy basket, I'll even wear a loin cloth and paint stigmata on my hands and feet. When's the last time you got a show that entertaining for the price of a hollow chocolate rabbit and a bunch of candy?

Why does CareerBuilder think people don't want to work with monkeys?
Are they kidding? A job where a bunch of monkeys focus their laser pointers at my crotch while I'm trying to conduct a meeting? That's exactly the kind of new job I DO want! If you happen to know where the monkeys work, feel free to send them my resume--you can find a two links to it on the Dorritville homepage.