November 2005: I Hate Thanksgiving

I hate Thanksgiving. (It's not number one on my disliked holiday hit parade, that winner would be Valentine's Day...) I was never all that keen on it, even as a kid--and that was even as a fat kid--but as an adult I've really grown to loathe it. Really, at midnight on November 1 I hear "Oh crap" in my head, because I know what heinous event just gassed up its car full of pies and is now careening wildly down the pike to arrive in three weeks. Now, I'm sure some people think this loathing has something to do with me being "anti" family. Not only is that wrong, but nothing could actually be further from the truth.

I come from a long line of very white people. (Here's a picture of my grandmother Dorrit; helps you understand the concept visually, right?) Translation: my parents were the kind of people who would rather take a bullet to the head than show emotion or feelings. And from what little I've been able to discern, their parents were the same way. Apparently at the time, that's what was considered "modern." Therefore, as might be expected, my family isn't really close, never has been. I've never said I actually liked it this way, or that this is what I wanted. It's just the way it is.

If I had ever hugged my mother, she'd have thought I had a fatal disease. If I had started calling her all the time she'd have thought I was drunk...or had a fatal disease; my brother would react exactly the same way. That pretty much says it all. (Had my favorite aunt, Nose, not died when I was in grade school I'm sure this situation, and my life, would have been radically different. Oh well. But she is watching over me in spirit, so I do feel extremely blessed, at least in that regard.) I think there's an old adage that says "You can't pick your family." Well, you can't, so you just have to accept and deal with what you get whether you like it or not. This is what I got. Period.

Anti family? Hardly. Since I've never felt like I really had much of a family to speak of, I've spent most of my entire adult life trying to create my own family. I'm alone, so obviously, and unfortunately, I haven't been very successful in this quest. (Yes, I am singing "The Impossible Dream [The Quest] from "Man of La Mancha" right now...) Sure, I thought I was close at times, and was sure I finally really had it this last time. But if I start to think about Laura again I'll start to cry, and I'm trying to stay angry in this rant. (My new personal tagline is: "Angriest White Woman in America.") Or at least I'm trying not be all self-pitying and pathetic. To sum up once and for all: I don't really have a family, but I'm not anti family. One's apples, the other's oranges. Okay? Okay.

But what I am very anti is hypocritical bullshit, and that's why I hate Thanksgiving. It's the absolute King of hypocritical bullshit. Especially hypocritical bullshit relating to family "stuff."

I'm not going to say much about that kind of HB; anyone reading this who's not a complete idiot knows exactly what I mean. The things like going somewhere you really don't want to go on Thanksgiving because you feel you have to, instead of because you want to. (Going somewhere you don't really want to because your spouse/partner really wants you to go and you know it will make him/her happy? Not HB, and yeah, I'd be scared to death, sweating buckets, and would mostly likely have to start drinking before I even got there--but I'd definitely do it. (If I ever had someone who would finally give me the freakin' chance to...)

Or something like spending Thanksgiving with people that you don't really even like (be they family, extended family, or whoever) who really don't like you either. Everybody knows and can sense and feel the tension, but you all pretend it's not this way just because it's Thanksgiving. THAT'S the kind of HB family "stuff" I mean. And that's not what this day should be about, at least not to me. It should be about being with the people that you love. The people who you want to be with, and who want to be with you. If you're lucky enough to have those people be your family, great. You're luckier than a lot of people I know, me included.

But I don't have to deal with any of the above (possibly the only "advantage" to being alone at the holidays...); I'm just bringing them up on principle and because I'm in love with the sound of my own voice. Here are the other main reasons why I think Thanksgiving is the King of hypocritical bullshit.

First, it's a holiday that essentially commemorates us, meaning "the white man," stealing this country from the Indians. (And don't even get me started on what happened to poor Squanto!) Sure, that wasn't the original intent of the "first Thanksgiving." That was a traditional harvest feast, and they invited a lot of Indians because everyone was still friends...and because the Indians brought most of the meat. It was 1621 and white man had just gotten there. They barely even had their bearings yet. Were it not for the Indians, all the new white people probably all would have died. All of them. (Now that, Alanis, is ironic.) But as European white people are wont to do, pretty soon the "Hi Pal, this is your land, that's my land" routine just wasn't enough for them, and they just started taking over. Like:
U.S. Cavalry: "Knock Knock"
Indians (pick a tribe): "Who's there?"
U.S. Cavalry: "The U.S. Cavalry with your new blankets."
Indians: "Are they contaminated with smallpox?"
U.S. Cavalry: "Uhm. . .no?"
While there are may historians who still dispute the whole "smallpox on the blankets" caper, I think we all know the U.S. did enough other things to warrant more than a slap on the wrist. Bottom line: we stole their country. End of story. And if that wasn't bad enough, we also tried to wipe them out as a race. Mohegan Sun? Not the norm for most of these people. So everyone, Blacks, Jews, Gays, Women, I mean EVERYONE, can just get behind the Indians, I mean Native Americans, in the "We Got Screwed" line. I just don't think stealing a country is something to celebrate, especially when we all started out as pals. HB.

The other HB that really gets me about Thanksgiving is that for most Americans it seems like the day has absolutely nothing to do with giving thanks. At least giving thanks for anything other than getting a day off work, stuffing their faces, and then watching Football on TV. (For the record, I'm totally on board with the "Yay, I don't have to go to work" thing.) I don't mean to come off as some Sanctimonious Suzie here. I'm not asking "It's Thanksgiving--did any of you say a prayer? Did any of you think about the day?" Because that would make me the kind of pompous ass that I can't stand. And then I'd have to stop hanging around with myself, and how in the hell would that work?

It's not up to me to tell anyone how or when they should give thanks. Or if they should even give thanks. To me, someone's relationship with God is a totally personal thing. If you want to pray, you pray. I do, but if someone else doesn't want to, that's not my problem or any of my business. I do think the world would be in much better shape if more people did have a real relationship with God, but hey, I'm not Billy Graham. Or the Spanish Inquisition. Which, by the way, nobody ever expects. (I know the Spanish Inquisition really has nothing to do with what I'm talking about, but I love that line and can't believe I figured out a way to marginally work it in. I would so not break up with someone who could do that!)

But I digress. My point on this one is that the name "Thanksgiving" is for the most part totally inaccurate, and they should change it to something more befitting what this holiday really means to today's Americans as a whole. Of course, my choice is "Hypocritical Bullshit Day," but that would go over about as well as the Edsel. "Harvest Day." "Turkey Day." "Start of The Holiday Shopping Season Day." "Eat Like a Pig Day." "Having Dinner With People You Don't Like Day." "Two Days Off Work Day." I don't really care what the new name is, just as long as doesn't have the word "thanks" in it, because the day, for the most part, isn't about giving thanks anymore.

I'm not going to wish you all a Happy Thankgiving, because, well, if you actually paid attention to any of this, I think you know why. And don't even get me started about Christmas; I'll be surprised if I make it through that this year without finally jumping off my roof and hanging myself. (I will wear a Santa suit, though, to keep the whole thing "festive.")

But I will say that you should take my most excellent Thanksgiving quiz. Do I hear some of you asking how can I do a quiz about a holiday I profess to dislike so much? The answer is simple: I have no problem being morally convenient, especially when it might get me a few cheap laughs. So take the quiz. And always check out the new art, which is getting updated almost weekly.