September 2002: Verizon Must Die

any of you know that one of my many and most entertaining alter egos is "The Cranky Grammarian." I'm positively amazed at how many people constantly misuse and abuse the English language and rules of grammar; plus they can't spell. And as a professional writer (meaning, I HAVE been paid for writing, thank you, smarty pants), editor and former proofreader, I'm especially appalled when this butchering is done by other alleged writers--particularly when it's done on behalf of large institutions or businesses. (Although considering my former employer is one of the prime offenders of grammar/language abuse in print and online, you think I'd be over my shock by now.) That said, here's my proclamation of the month: Verizon must die! That's right,, Verizon--nee AT&T, New York Telephone, Bell Atlantic, and NYNEX. (Like a company having more names than Erica Kane isn't enough of a reason to put them out of business.) They're guilty of multiple instances of grammar butchering, one of them so heinous I have nightmares about it.

Okay, one night I'm up really late painting a wall and listening to the radio. A Verizon commercial comes on, and it was an incredibly stupid premise to begin with. Medusa is complaining to a friend about how she can't get a date, because her hair turns men to stone. (Yeah, if only.) Then her friend says something like "Well, it does look a little UNKEPT." I almost dropped a gallon of paint on my foot and asked myself out loud, "did she just say 'unkept'?" Since, of course, anyone with half a brain knows or should know that the word is UNKEMPT. Not unkept, unkempt.

The rest of the spot was even dumber; something about how Medusa finds a beauty salon in the online Verizon "super pages," and apparently gets the snakes cut off so now she can get dates. Which is ridiculous, since anyone who looked at the snakes would have turned to stone, including the hairdresser who cut them off. (And, hello, Perseus cut Medusa's hair off thousands of years ago and when he did out sprang Pegasus, the winged horse. So ixnay on edusa-May anyway.) And even if Medusa HAD been able to get the snakes cut off, then she would have been bald. How many guys want to date a bald chick?

But the point here is that someone who is employed as a writer doesn't even know that the word is UNKEMPT. (Promises are unkept, sloppy people are unkempt.) The word has been around for quite some time, too, e.g., Renaissance poet Edmund Spenser once wrote: "My rhymes be rugged and unkempt."

Sure, I got laid off, but the moron who wrote this erroneous crap has a job. What really gets my goat is this isn't just grammar misuse by one person. EVERYONE involved with this spot let it go through--who knows how many people that includes? I'm guessing one of them is some highly paid "executive" at Verizon who deals with advertising and/or communications. That's extremely disturbing. Yo, Verizon executive Einstein, get a freakin' dictionary, how 'bout it?

As if the "unkept" debacle wasn't enough of a reason to put the kibosh on Verizon, one of its TV spots touts something called the Verizon VERIATIONS All plan. Yeah, they actually spell "variations" "Veriations." Clever? No. Trying to be clever and failing miserably? Yes. And the real sin, from a grammar perspective, is that they don't put "Veriations" in quotes or italics or anything, leaving one to assume that the people at Verizon simply don't know how to spell "variations" correctly.

Fortunately I don't use Verizon as my cell phone provider, because if I did I'd switch immediately. I've never been able to suffer fools gladly, and I'm not about to start now. They do handle my home phone service, but I'm not in charge of that nor is it in my name. Plus the only thing we use the land line for is to call out for Chinese food; we never even answer the home phone unless someone uses the secret ring. Of course, I was smart enough to get a cable modem instead of big loser DSL. (I can't believe anyone is actually still using DSL now that you can get a cable modem just about everywhere.)

So although I'm Verizon free, I've provided this little tirade as a warning to any of you who DO use Verizon for anything. Trust me, It's only one small step from saying something as stupid as "unkept" on the air to a Verizon repairperson cutting the one huge cable that provides all of Verizon's land, cell, and DSL services and then just saying "Oops." Think about it.

Notes From Limbo

This isn't going to be long enough to be full-fledged rant, nor do I want it to be. And it's not going to be something saying "unemployment sucks." (Although it certainly does, in a major way.) Rather, it's just a few notes for the handful (if) of people who I can count on to read down this far.

While I can't say I've been having a great time this summer, I have learned a few important lessons. The first is about human nature, and it can be summed up by saying: it's the bad times in your life when you discover who your friends really are. I know that sounds trite; so much so that saying it even almost makes me wanna puke. But it's true, the end.

I've also learned some surprising things about myself. The first, and this was quite a shocker, is that there are people (yeah, plural--like one wouldn't be bad enough) who can see through both me and the crap I usually try to pull and/or say and then call me on it.  OUCH!  That's required some change on my part, but it actually hasn't been all that bad so far. Believe it or not, this is exactly the "take-no-prisoners-attitude" kind of girl I should be in a relationship with. Assuming I'll ever have one of those again, which I tend to doubt at the moment.
(Short aside so the Reverend Dines won't yell at me again: yes, I am saying "I'm smart enough, I'm bitchin enough, and gosh darn it I will get a hot girl I like to date me" in the mirror every morning per her instructiions. I don't know if I believe it, but I'm saying it. . .)

I've also had a slight attitude change. It's been percolating for a while, and has finally kicked in over the past couple of weeks. The only way I can even try to explain it is with the words of the fictional Mademoiselle Lily, "Incidentally, which one of you bitches is my mother?" (Yeah, it's a metaphor.) Perhaps I should feel embarrassed at using a line from an infamously bad piece of fiction and even worse made-for-TV movie to describe my revamped state of mind, but I don't; it says it perfectly. Don't ask me to explain it--you'll either get it or you won't. And it's really much deeper than it sounds and not negative in the least, although the lesser evolved may perceive it that way. True change comes from the inside, even though it's outside forces that are often the catalyst.

Last, but certainly not least, I've learned other less significant lessons:

There is no other word that expresses the same meaning as "bitchin'."
(If you don't believe me, ask Gidget.)

The Zombies' "Time of the Season" is still the bitchinest late summer/fall song ever.
Although I tend to favor Big Blue Missle's version now, because of the kickin' bass line. (And you know how I worship The Zombies.)

It's a fine line between cosmic and stupid.

If you've been up painting and ripping up carpet until 2:00 o'clock in the morning, when you're finally going to sleep the last thing you want to see is a cat with a fly strip stuck to its fur.
Trust me on this one.

So is it fall yet?