September/October 2005:
The Top Ten Movies to Watch
When Your Life Really Sucks, v2005

As hard as it is for me to believe or admit, it was almost three years ago that my life was at a point where I felt the need to do a list called "The Top Ten Movies to Watch When Your Life Really Sucks." You know how they say life is full of peaks and valleys? Apparently this is one valley I just can't seem to get out of, because this is the intro to version two of that aforementioned list. Actually, that's not quite true about the valley thing. I really did think I was out of it. When I had done the first list, I was whining because I didn't have a job or a girlfriend. But time marched on, and eventually I got both of those. Out of the valley, right? Not quite.

In this valley, clearly I'm playing the role of Sisyphus. (Super!) You remember Sisyphus; the guy who spent eternity rolling a huge boulder up a hill only to get to the top and have it roll down again. No, I don't have a boulder I'm trying to roll anywhere. (Although throwing one does have a certain appeal at the moment.) The point of this comparison is, like that poor dumb ass Sisyphus, I thought I was "done." At least for a while. I had the absolutely most bitchinest girlfriend in the world and a new job, and I thought I was sailing up to one of life's oft-dreamed-about peaks.

Problem: after starting off with a bang, both the girlfriend and the job turned out to be huge busts. I thought they'd both be something they just didn't turn out to be. Major disappointments, that's all I'll say. (Although I am still extremely grateful to have even this job.) Yes, I am working on fixing the job situation. And what I thought was the love of my life? There's no point in revisiting that sad train wreck again. She wanted it over, so it has to be over. Period. (Hey, as unfair as it seems, you can't make someone want you--whether you still want her or not.)

Hence the new list of movies. I've stated many times that I'm not a fan of wallowing or self-pity--at least not as a 24/7 lifestyle. However, I do believe it's something we all need to do occasionally. So to help with that effort, both for me and all the other broken-hearted, crestfallen, crushed, desolate, etc., people out there, here's the new list.

Like I said last time, if you're thinking that this is going to be a bunch of "feel-good" movies, like "ET" or "It's a Wonderful Life," you're wrong. That's completely the wrong approach to take, and movies like that will just make you want to blow your head off with a rifle, or stab yourself to death a la Elliott Smith. When you feel like crap, you have to watch movies where people are worse off than you. You need to see other people suffer. You need to see other people tortured by self doubt. Selling their souls, and walling themselves up inside prisons of their own making. You need to see movies that will make your life, such as it is, seem better. Schadenfreude: learn it, know it, love it. To that end, I present:

The Top Ten Movies to Watch When Your Life Really Sucks, v2005

10. "Romeo and Juliet" (The Franco Zeffirelli one)
"For stony limits cannot hold love out,
And what love can do that dares love attempt."
Yeah, right. Dead and dead. Need I say more?

9. "Marnie"
The first thing to be thankful for is that you weren't IN this movie, because it really is abysmal. Actually, it's sort of like an accident; you don't want to watch, but you can't help yourself. So I do watch this pretty much whenever I notice it's on TV. You should too, because it will make you thankful that you didn't see your prostitute mother beat one of her sailor-tricks to death with a fireplace poker when you were a kid, and then have that turn you into a disturbed, thieving, "frigid" man-hating woman. Really, the sexism and bad psychology in this movie is enough to have Carl Jung rolling over in his grave. Oh, and you should also be thankful that you don't have a riding accident and then have to shoot your very own much-beloved horse right there during the fox hunt. ("Wilbur, where you goin' with that gun, Wilbur?..") What "saves" Marnie? Why, having sex with big strong man, Sean Connery, of course. Alfie, are you kiddin me with this crap?

8. "Caged"
I can definitely see advantages to being in a woman's prison right now, at least date wise. Anyway, you watch "Caged," because you can say at least the little kitten you find in the snow isn't getting stomped to death by a junkyard-dog mean, ugly 6' 2" prison matron who then shaves all your hair off. And someone's not saying, "Pipe in the new fish" about you. To the best of my knowledge this movie isn't commercially available on VHS or DVD; but I have a copy. Ha.

7. "The Bad Seed"
You think your life is scary? Is it as scary as pure unabashed evil? Especially when that evil is wrapped up in a blonde, blue-eyed, pig-tailed, 12-year-old little girl package named Rhoda Penmark? I'm guessing the answer is "no." Unless you happen to be the janitor who knows the real deal on this hellion and she toasts you like a marshmallow. (Henry Jones' fate in the film.) When the mom actually starts to get hip to little Rhoda's trip, no one believes her, since on the outside Rhoda appears to be such a sweet, normal little girl. I won't tell you the ending in case you've never seen this, but it's not the original ending that was in the Broadway play. A lot of critics pooh-pooh the film's ending, but I think the Hollywood ending is much scarier, since it essentially is a result of being judged by God, not man. (What the hell is scarier than that?)

6. "On Her Majesty's Secret Service"
Many people consider this James Bond film to be an abomination, because it's the one starring one-time-only Bond portrayer, George Lazenby. Well, I completely disagree; it's my favorite James Bond film of them all. Was he Sean Connery? No, but he was as close as Roger Moore and way closer than Timothy Dalton. Plus it's also an interesting plot, and I don't think a lot of Bond films were good, interesting stories. Why should you be thankful you're not James Bond? Because he finally falls in love with the girl of his dreams--a young, gorgeous and feisty Diana Rigg--and takes the plunge. That's right, the ultimate swingin' bachelor supreme gets married. Happy ending? Not quite, Diana Rigg gets shot in the head on their way to the honeymoon, thus ironically disproving the theme song "We've Got All the Time in the World."
PSSSSST: Love stinks; pass it on...

5. "Whatever Happened to Baby Jane?"
Well, I think I can safely say that if you're on my site reading this, you know damn well what happened to her because there's a pretty good chance you're a homo. Hmm, what's more disturbing: the real back story to this movie, or the story in the movie itself? That's a tough call. Back when Terry and I first moved into the house and we talked about having a big Halloween party in the basement, one of my suggestions for a couples' costume was Blanche and Baby Jane. I, of course, was going to be Baby Jane. I've frequently been accused of essentially being her anyway. And 20 years from now I'm sure I will be her--but I'll have a Lisa Hartman hairdo and Donna Mills "Knots Landing" eye makeup, be playing a "keytar" and singing "The Heat." (Man, that image is even scarin' me right now...)
Anyway, sure, your life might suck, but at least you're neither a 60-year-old woman flouncing around in kabuki-on-acid makeup singing, "I've Written a Letter to Daddy" over and over, nor are you trapped in a wheelchair while the aforementioned loon tries to feed you your parakeet for dinner.

4. "The Picture of Dorian Gray"
Ah, to be young and beautiful forever. Unfortunately, something like that comes with a price--as well it should. And that price would be Dorian's conscience and soul. He doesn't care who he hurts as long as he gets what he wants, when he wants it. (Hmm, that scenario sounds oddly familiar to me...) He's the ultimate pathological narcissist: unfeeling, completely self-centered and amoral. Don't worry, like most people of this ilk, instant karma does get him in a major way. Believe it or not, I still frequently reread this book to try to keep myself grounded. It's a good lesson for anyone who has a tendency toward thoroughly self-involved behavior. (Unfortunately, possibly my biggest Achilles' heel.)

3. "The Omen"
There are lots and lots of reasons to watch this one, but since I realize everyone's not as fascinated by the concept of the Antichrist as I am, I'll give you the summary version: at least they didn't kill your baby, bash its head in with a hammer, and replace it with the its-mother-was-a-jackal Antichrist, who, BTW, is going to kill you before the end of the movie. And the murder weapon? A tricycle. Well, actually it was a fall, but a tricycle sounds so much more demonic, and it did cause the fall.

2. "The Birds"
"The Birds" is of my favorite movies at any time, but I really like watching it now. It's very high up on the list because you can say your life pretty much blows, but at least: --Birds of all kinds aren't trying to peck you to death
--Some woman in a diner isn't calling you "evil, evil"
--You don't have to hold a piece of cotton on your forehead in a really spazzy and uncomfortable way through an entire scene, because Hitchcock obviously thought it was hilarious or was punishing you
--You don't have to wear the same outfit for three days in a row. (It is a totally groovy weekender, but come on, three days?)
--You're not getting motor oil and blood on your fabulous taupe suede gloves
--You're not involved in some weird lesbo dynamic with Suzanne Pleshette.
Okay, forget that one. I'd kind of kill to be involved in any kind of lesbo dynamic at present. And last but not least:
--When you were 11 your mother didn't run off with some "hotel man from the east."

1. "Deceived"
In the last version of this list, "Deceived" was number two. But one of the main reasons I'm being annoyingly whiney and putting this list together is a direct result of me not really knowing someone I thought I knew. (The aforementioned heartbreaking love train wreck--not to be confused with the Love Train belonging to The O'Jays.) In light of that fact, this time "Deceived" is number one with the proverbial bullet. ("Wilbur, where you goin' with that gun, Wilbur?" Sorry, I really like that bad Mr. Ed joke I wrote up in the "Marnie" section so I want to make sure everyone sees it.) This Goldie Hawn film absolutely terrifies me, now more than ever. Really, it's the movie that scares me most in the world because it's about the scariest thing in the world-- finding out you really didn't know someone you thought you knew. In this case, Goldie Hawn marries some guy, lives with him for almost six years, has a kid, and THEN finds out he's not who he says he is and is living a completely secret life on the side, a life that includes another wife, dog, and house. Plus, at the end of the movie he even tries to kill her. Ouch! "Deceived" still makes me look like a good judge of character, and for that I'm very thankful. Because at the moment I feel like such a complete imprudent trusting chump that I'd be the one offering a ride to one of the Manson girls hitchhiking home from Sharon Tate's house, i.e., I should obviously not be allowed to handle money, vote, or make decisions of any kind, especially ones of a romantic nature. Jeez, I used to be the quintessential urban cynic--when did this "but she says she loves me, so it must be true this time even though it wasn't true the four times before" gullibility crap happen to me?

And that's latest--and I sincerely hope and pray the last--version of the list. As always, I welcome comments and suggestions for additions and/or deletions. I can't promise I'll act on any of them, but hey, who doesn't like getting mail?